Circle of healing

X.

North, South, East

where’s best?

If I head left

It turns out directionless

(Mathews/Roberts)

***

"You will spend this time together and only together. No one except the highest priestesses will know of your whereabouts."

Padme didn’t even try to hide her surprise. "How long?"

Reaja bent her head slightly. "That is not for us to say."

"What does that mean? Can’t you speak clearly, healer?"

Reaja was glad that the long years of dealing with people from the palace had trained her. The queen wasn’t wearing her royal gowns, neither was she wearing the typical make-up, yet those words had sounded unmistakably sharp and demanding. The young novice who was waiting in the adjacent room had flinched fiercely.Reaja bit her lips to suppress a smile.

Naara.

The little one was much too curious for her own good. But it was this curiosity that made Reaja sense so much potential in her.

"Healer? Are you listening to me?"

This time she flinched under the sharp rebuke in the queen’s voice. "Forgive me, your majesty." At her gesture the high, heavy door was closed and the room shielded from the eyes and ears of curious novices.She smiled apologetically and turned towards the two young people sitting in front of her. "Our novices have a lot to learn."

A quick shadow of memory flickered over the Jedi’s face as he smiled wistfully. ‘That sounds familiar.’

The queen cast a quick glance at the Jedi which demanded his support. Kenobi knew what he was expected to say. "Please, healer, tell us: How long will we have to stay at this place?"

"And why?"

The queen’s question echoed in the high vaults for a while. Dull daylight that barely had the power to reflect on the shiny marble floor seeped through the huge windows of the cool room that was scented with fragrant herbs.

Reaja prepared for a long dispute. The reason for this seclusion wasn’t easy to explain, and she could do nothing but hope that the queen and the Jedi understood what she was doing and didn’t fight her. Because if they did fight . . .

Well, actually she didn’t know what would happen if they fought her. The records of the few times this had happened were written down in the big tomes that were kept in the forbidden vaults of the temple. A part not even she - despite her merits in the temple - had a right to go to.

"Linking two souls," she began with a quick glance at the queen and the Jedi, "that haven’t been prepared for being linked is utterly dangerous. The risks of a collapse or a permanent damage to the souls are very high. Bonds like this can have side-effects that go far beyond our imagination. . ."

She tried to make the whole thing sound as unimportant as possible. One look at the young Jedi and the barely suppressed feeling of guilt in his eyes told her that she failed miserably.

"That is why this seclusion is vital for the lives and the souls of the ones linked. Their souls have been interwoven and this bond must not, under any circumstances, be cut abruptly. You will go into seclusion to separate your souls."

The Jedi and the queen exchanged a wary look. Their souls had been woven together?

As she left the hall for one of the distant walkways of the temple to think about what she had just heard, Padme turned her attention towards herself. In the beginning she felt nothing but the deep peace that surrounded her since she had woken up. But then she felt upcoming doubts, the feeling of inadequacy and a numbing feeling of guilt - all of them feelings that didn’t belong to her. Was Reaja right? Since she had woken up, no one had told her what had happened, and the idea of having established a link to Kenobi’s soul seemed absurd to her. Yet . . .

***

"Please wait for a moment, young master."

Reaja’s warm voice held Obi-Wan back. The queen had already left and if Reaja wanted to talk to him alone now, it could mean only one thing. He bowed slightly before her.

"I am truly sorry, healer. There is no excuse for my behaviour."

The priestess smiled sadly and absentmindedly smoothed a crease in her gown. "You worry too much, young master," she answered mildly. "But don’t you want to tell me what happened?"

No. That was exactly what he did not want. He wanted to suppress that it had happened, and as of right now he didn't care how wrong that was. By his actions he had betrayed everything he had ever learned and sworn. How could he go on living with that knowledge without. . .

Reaja saw him averting his eyes and erecting a wall around himself she wouldn’t be able to overcome.

"How are your hands,"she asked, changing the subject.

At first she didn’t think he had heard her. Then he pulled his hands out of the wide sleeves of his robe and looked at them with an expressionless face. Acting on a learned reflex, the healer went up to him and seized the Jedi’s slim yet strong hands to examine them.

"The wounds are healing very well," she exclaimed satisfied. A quick glance at his face showed her that the cuts there were starting to heal as well. A good sign.

Their images were reflected in the floor-length window and Reaja asked herself how she was supposed to tell him what she had to tell him. Aethra had made that her task. And Reaja desperately wished she hadn’t.

"Do you know why you’re here, young master?"

His tired eyes moved over her face and a sad smiled played around his lips. The question sounded familiar.

"I have placed myself under a heavy burden of guilt, healer."

Such a simple answer, yet what a drastic confession. The feeling of guilt exuding from every single one of his pores surrounded him like a dark cloud.

"The high priestess . . ." She stopped and cleared her throat uneasily. She didn’t want to be the one to bring him this piece of news - yet she had no choice. "The high priestess has spoken to the Jedi council about this incident. Together they decided that you will be cut off from the force for the rest of your stay here."

Now that the words were spoken Reaja thought that she might as well have stabbed him with a knife. Obi-Wan swayed slightly and his face turned ashen. But this moment of weakness only lasted for a few seconds.

He bowed before her. "I will not doubt the wisdom of the high priestess and the council."

A part of him shattered into a thousand pieces because of this order. And she had known this would happen.

***

"Mistress!"

Sabé rushed into the temple’s chambers with unceremonious speed. Her hair lay open around her shoulders and her orange robe surrounded her with a warm glow. But this glowing could very well be coming from the handmaiden’s eyes as well.

Padme couldn’t recall the last time she had seen Sabé acting with such little control. The young woman who had dedicated her life to protecting the queen was usually quiet and controlled in every possible situation - moments when she allowed herself to behave according to her age were few and far between. Her age . . .

Padme didn’t remember ever asking her about her age. She had always assumed that her bodyguard was about her age. Why hadn't she ever thought of asking? One look at the handmaiden’s open and beaming face showed her how little she knew about the young woman. And yet she was the closest thing she had to a friend in the palace. If a queen had friends at all.

"Sabé." Padme smiled warmly and had to hold herself back from reacting too familiarly. She still was the queen and she was expected to keep a little distance to her servants.

"You are all right again, your highness." Sabé’s eyes sparkled like dark gems. "We were . . ."

" Already willing to write me off?" The queen couldn’t suppress the little teasing.

Sabé stared at her shocked for a few moments. "No, mistress, you don’t understand, we never . . ."

"Sabé, come on." The corners of Padme’s mouth twitched suspiciously. " You should learn to distinguish between a joke and a serious comment."

When she saw that Sabé still hesitated, she nodded her head towards one of the slim benches that were situated in the narrow covered walk.

"Have a seat, Sabé, you’re completely out of breath." She looked over the handmaiden’s appearance once again. "Why did you run so fast?"

"I have been told you were awake again." Sabé’s eyebrows furrowed, confused. "And that you had asked for me. Was that incorrect? Do you want me to leave?" She made a move to rise.

"Sabé, not at all!", the queen repeated softly and laid her arm on the handmaidens arm. The touch caused Sabé to flinch first but soon she relaxed under the slim warm hand on the rich orange of her robe.

"I asked you to come here because I need your help." Padme’s eyes travelled over the small stripes of sunlight that filtered through the creepers on the walkway, lined by high sandstone columns, casting irregular patterns on the floor "But first things first - do tell me what happened in the palace while I was at the temple."

Sabé’s posture relaxed considerably as she started talking about familiar things. Her hand moved to the delicate silver bracelet that clung to her wrist and she played with it unconsciously. Padme inwardly smiled at how easy it was to overcome even the greatest insecurities simply by asking her about familiar things. Sabé wasn’t an insecure girl anymore - and she never had been one, otherwise she would never ever have been chosen for this job, but Padme still felt a certain distance between her and the handmaiden. And maybe that was right - maybe Sabé had been taught to keep her distance towards the queen, but Padme often wished that the young woman would forget the conventions for a few moments and just talk to her.

The handmaiden’s attentive eyes had never left her during the conversation and Sabé took in every tiny detail, always prepared to react suddenly, if it became necessary.

Padme felt an almost motherly pride rise inside of her as she listened to Sabé’s reports. The handmaiden had taken Padme's place right after the Queen had collapsed, and not a single thing had escaped the close circle of the other handmaidens and the healers.

Padme was proud of Sabé, as proud as she was only very rarely. Since the charade during the trade blockade she had realised how very important this handmaiden was for her, and how much she could trust her. Those last days only confirmed this.

There were days when this hiding scared Padme - she surrendered herself to the handmaiden completely in a way. But she knew she could trust Sabé with her life.

On the other hand she let the young woman carry a burden that wasn’t meant for her to carry. That was already incredibly heavy for her from time to time. How would Sabé feel, who only had the rank of a handmaiden after all? This job was ungrateful. Sabé would always be in the shadow of Amidala, the queen, even though and maybe just because she was the wind under her wings.

Absentmindedly she reached for a slim glass that was filled with a ruby-red nectar and nodded for Sabé to help herself.

If she tried to forget the difference between mistress and servant, she could imagine that this was a conversation between friends. But before she could finish that thought reality crashed in and she scolded herself for daydreaming. That wasn’t worthy of a queen and most of all it was dangerous. One could get lost in dreams like that.

"You have been my eyes and my ears since I've been at the temple," Padme began, as she turned the slim goblet with the delicate carved in patterns in her hands, watching how the daylight that shone from behind the high columns caused the colour of the drink to shift. For a moment Sabé revelled in that observation. Was that what kept the queen stable? Little things like this tiny gesture? Watching a colour shift. Little, tiny things that others didn’t even realise?

"What I ask of you is an awful lot, but I need to ask you to also be my voice."

Sabé listened up and berated herself for not paying attention. Her voice?

If she was going to takes the queen’s place for a longer period of time, didn’t that mean that Amidala wasn’t well at all, despite what she said? The professional worry of a bodyguard was pushed aside by the completely personal worry for the young woman she had vowed her life to.

Padme saw the changes flicker over Sabé’s face. Did she have to explain herself? Did she have to give her a reason? The decision was made quickly. If she put such a heavy burden on the handmaiden’s shoulders, she owed her an explanation.

The queen shifted on the traditionally unadorned bench until she had found a more comfortable position and then went on. "The healers have told me that my full recovery will take some more time."

Worry flared up wildly in the handmaiden’s soft brown eyes. "Mistress?"

With an impulsive gesture Padme grasped for her bodyguard’s hand and squeezed it lightly. "I am fine, Sabé, trust me. But I will have to leave Theed for a while. The throne may not remain empty during that time. The trade-blockade and the internment of the population has left wounds among my people. I cannot allow a political escalation to come up because the queen isn’t doing her duties."

"Your highness, you have never neglected your duties. Whoever says something like that is . . ."

"Sabé, don’t," she interrupted the handmaiden calmly. "This isn’t necessary."

She rose and tried to make her steps look as strong and certain as possible in order not to lose face in front of Sabé. How sick all of this was. Sabé was the one who was closest to her in the palace, yet she could not show any weakness, even in front of her.

Sabé saw the queen’s inner struggle better than anyone else could have. She couldn’t really tell what was going on behind those unreadable eyes of the ruler, but she saw that something was worrying her.

"I will prove myself worthy, your highness."

Padme turned away from the ivy-entwined columns and gave Sabé a warm smile.

"I know, Sabé. I have never had any doubts."

***

The novice Naara scurried through the narrow hallways of the temple, eagerly trying not to be noticed by anyone. One of the older priestesses had sent her to the garden to cut herbs for a rather common liquid the temple needed to prepare a simple medicine for small children. Naara had finished this task after a few minutes and had decided to make better use of the time she had left.

The queen was at the temple!

Naara’s heart beat faster at the thought. Being one of the youngest novices, she wasn’t allowed to meet the queen. When she found out about that regulation, she had been sourly disappointed. But in the meantime she had found ways to sneak away for a few minutes and to secretly watch the queen.

The young girl admired the queen’s unconsciously graceful movements, and watched with fascination how naturally she talked to the older priestesses.

Her breathing was fast when she stopped behind a broad column. With one hand she pushed back her dishevelled her. Accordingly to the traditions for novices her hair only just covered her ears.

Naara remembered the prickly cool feeling of the when her hair, which back then had reached her knees, had been cut in order to join the temple. Tears had burned in her eyes, since every Naboo woman considered her hair to be the most treasured adornment she could own. Meanwhile Naara had gotten used to the shortness and she enjoyed the significance behind every millimetre that her hair was growing.

Naara was a fragile girl of 13 years. The curly hair fell softly around cheekbones which hadn't yet lost all of their childish roundness. Delicate, barely visible eyebrows were curved in a fine line over bright blue eyes.

Naara had experienced a lot of snide comments about those eyes in her childhood, but she had shoved them away with her natural quick-wittedness. Big and curious they looked out of the delicate face and she was never quite able to hide the glitter of mischief. Their colour was so very different from the usual brown of all of the other Naboo children.

It had taken Naara a long time to accept that she wasn’t quite like all the others. Her milky-white skin was too fair for a warm planet like Naboo and over the small shapely nose ran a ribbon of uncountable freckles, which was similar to the ribbon of stars in the night sky and therefore only deepened the cheerful and open expression of her face. Her mouth which seemed to smile constantly was a little too pale. She wasn’t what they would call a beauty but because of her naturalness and her clearly visible zest for life she held a clumsy-unconscious attraction for the people around her.

Her big eyes opened even wider than usual Naara stared at the queen who was sitting in the garden of silence, clad in a deep red tunic, watching the Jedi who was meditating just a few steps away from her.

Neither of them moved. The Jedi’s eyes were closed and his face sunken into deep concentration. The queen had propped her elbows on her knees and let her eyes wander over the face that wasn’t hidden under the hood of a heavy cloak this time.

A strange tension hung over the garden. The recently cut hedges moved quietly in the cool wind that brought the heavy smell of the close change in the weather. More rain would come.

"Naara!"

She flinched violently when she heard the voice of the priestess that had sent her out to cut the herbs in the walkway behind her. Scaldingly hot she realised how much time had passed. If she didn’t find a plausible excuse she would be in quite a lot of trouble.

She was safe for now. She hadn’t been spotted yet.

Yet.

Naara cast a last sad glance into the garden and then hurried to return in the usual way from the herb garden where she was supposed to be working.

***

The temple was soon behind them. The small boat moved quickly and nimbly on the smoothly flowing, small arm of the river. Sounds of the night surrounded them in a soft and reassuring way, making it easy to forget the unusual reason behind this excursion. Only the steady rain and the damp cold it brought with it were reminders of the fact that this was more than a leisure trip.

The boat was inconspicuous and dipped into the velvet shadows of the night without being seen, without attracting any attention at all.

The streets of the capitol Theed were quiet, only now and then a group of night owls became visible, coming home from one of the homely bars. Laughter wafted over to the little boat.

Padme watched them, smiling. The light-heartedness in this laughter made part of her hum with recognition she hadn’t heard in a long while. When was the last time she had smiled? She could barely remember.

Only slowly did the memories return.

Tatooine. She had been laughing on Tatooine. Loud and careless - over the clumsiness of JarJar Binks, who seemed to attract mishaps like a magnet. That had been before all of the events of the past weeks. So long ago . . .

A quick glance at Reaja showed her that the priestess was smiling as well. Only the Jedi’s face stayed stoic. Instantly the smile on Padme’s face died away.

His mood influenced her much more than she would ever admit. It wasn’t like her to be influenced this much by anybody. That had been the reason she had been elected queen. But now one glance at the sunken face of the Jedi was enough to make all of her enthusiasm disappear. Even the inner peace she had securely felt all the time since she had woken up in the temple had developed jagged edges after the incident with the sphere.

The rain hit the surface of the boat with a nice steady sound and mingled with the sound of the bow parting the waters before them. The sounds were so steady that she barely realised they were leaving the city boundaries.

The lights stayed behind and soon they were completely surrounded by the jungle’s mysterious silence which was broken only from time to time by the cries of night-active animals.

Peaceful.

The night spread its cloak around them and while Reaja steered the boat through the narrowing arms of the river, Padme felt Kenobi laying the heavy, waterproof robe around her shoulders and pulling the hood over her long hair in a clumsy, yet gentle caring movement. He stayed behind her and she could hear him breathing. Calm and steady.

He enjoyed the silence and the calm of the forests and a deep serenity emanated from him and touched her as well.

Strange.

They hadn’t talked to each other since they had left the temple, yet Padme didn’t think of that fact as unpleasant. A small part of her asked if it really was so bad to be connected to the Jedi.

What would happen once he had gotten over the excruciating pain of his loss? What would happen to their link if it wasn’t severed? Why was it so dangerous to link two minds?

She felt strangely safe with the knowledge of him sharing a small part of her - and of her sharing a small part of him. But it also frightened her enormously. Those conflicting emotions made it difficult to rationalise the whole thing. Maybe she would find the time to do just that when they reached the place Reaja was taking them to.

She vaguely remembered having heard about the temple. But it had always been stories, fairy-tales told to children in dark stormy nights. She hadn’t believed in its existence. And for some unknown reasons Padme still doubted it.

She squinted in surprise when Reaja activated a light that cut in a sharp triangle through the darkness. Huge majestic trees became visible and thousands of eyes seemed to watch the strangers out from the darkness of the jungle.

Padme shivered under the wind that had gained power and pushed rain in her eyes. Behind her she felt the warm and calm presence of the Jedi, and some of the tension left her body. It had been a long day and she felt the leaden fatigue creeping up which she had tried to suppress since they had left the temple.

Softly the boat glided over the river’s quietly swishing water.

The wind moved through the trees and triggered a full harmonic rustling that wove itself harmonically into the sound of the rain..

Her thoughts returned to the Jedi once more. Outwardly he presented a stronger picture than at the beginning of the ritual. He held himself up more straight and showed fewer signs of his deep sorrow.

But Padme had looked into his eyes - those troubled blue-green eyes, underlined by deep, dark shadows - she had seen the unrest, the insurmountable doubts, the swirling pain. Her worries for him had only increased from this moment on. Was nobody else looking at him? Did nobody but her recognise this? Or was this part of their connection?

Padme shifted around on the uncomfortable small bench of the boat - not quite sure whether she should stay seated or get up.

Reaja almost blended into the darkness and only the small circle in front of her was lit up by the bright white light. Padme’s thoughts swirled restlessly and wouldn’t allow her body the sleep she yearned for so much.

Shivering, she pulled the robe closer around her body. Fatigue did its part to make her realise the cold more than necessary.

A quiet, hesitating touch behind her made clear that her unrest had been noticed by Kenobi.

"I’m sorry," she whispered. "I didn’t mean to . . ."

"You didn’t, your Majesty," he interrupted her softly but with determination.

For a few blinks of an eye Padme listened to the way his words echoed in her.

Hearing his voice felt good. Even though the silence between them was far from being awkward, she had often yearned to hear the softly accentuated voice during the last days. Now it had a reassuring influence on her racing thoughts.

The low branch of one of the trees lining the shore jutting far into the middle of the river forced Reaja to take an evasive course to avoid being hit by the rain-wetted leaves and the strong side-branches. The boat swayed menacingly at the unexpectedly fast movement and Padme instinctively grasped for something she could hold on to. But before she could end the movement, Kenobi had slung his arms around her waist and had shifted his weight to the opposite side

His fast intervention kept them all from capsizing.

Padme’s heart hammered wildly as she tried in vain to move out of his steadying arms. But she soon found out that this was impossible. He held her close and safe, obviously expecting another incident like that. And even though the queen in her raged against his taking charge, the part of her that didn’t want to be royal won.

Her posture relaxed and she let herself drift against his chest that was rising and falling with steady breaths.

Lulled by the soft monotony of his breathing, she fell asleep only minutes later.

 

***

 

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