Circle of healing

IV.

Behind the walls of
Thoughts there lyes,
Something timeless
Something wise.
-- Steve McDonald --

***

"You're the only one who can help, Jedi."
The high priestess's words echoed dully in his ears. Obi-Wan walked restlessly up and down the carefully laid out herb garden of the temple. The sound his high boots produced on the little stones of the paths seemed deafeningly loud to him.
How could he possibly help? Hadn't he just failed again? Hadn't he just proved that Qui-Gon's trust in him had been misplaced, that he was weak, weak and not able to take on the enormous responsibility he had been given?
The talk with the council had been nearly as unpleasant as he had feared it would be.
The soft cloth of memory was laid over his eyes as he thought about the events.
"Troubled your mind is, Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Those had been Yoda's first words after the young Jedi knight's bleary-eyed figure had completely shown itself as a holographic projection in the light-flooded halls of the Jedi-temple. Under the stern eyes of master Yoda and Mace Windu Obi-Wan had told them in a few words what had happened and had sunk back into a respectful waiting position.
For a long time there had been silence. A silence Obi-Wan couldn't interpret and that made him nervous up to the very last nerve ending.
"I hope you know that connections like this are strictly prohibited with non-Jedi, Kenobi?" Even Piell's voice cut sharply through the hall.
"This I know, master."
The eyes of all the council member were fastened on him and he couldn't get rid of the feeling of being condemned, even though he knew that he was doing the council an injustice. Connections like the one he had shared with the queen were a pure affront to the main directive of the Jedi not to meddle where they had not been invited. The queen hadn't invited him.
"I do not know what happened, master." Even though it was the truth, the explanation sounded more than pathetic and Obi-Wan knew it.
"Why were you with the queen, Kenobi?"
A hot wave of shame climbed into his cheeks without him being able to control it. Why did they have to ask that question? He knew he had made a mistake. Why couldn't they just stop this unpleasant inquisition?
"Not important this is now." To his great relief Yoda seemed to be in a compassionate mood today. The master cast a warning glance in Even Piell's direction and watched the hologram in front of him with great intent.
How right Yoda had been with his first observation. His mind was troubled, indeed, and Obi-Wan knew exactly that Yoda wasn't the only one who was noticing it. The eyes of the old Jedi-master looked right into his soul even through the holographic projection and discovered what everyone else would have overlooked.
"Guilty you feel."
That was no question, it was an observation. Obi-Wan bent his head slightly. Not a yes, not a no. He waited for what else Yoda had to say.
A sad smile crossed the wrinkled face of the small master.
"Talk you must, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Not do it for you, I can. The question." He paused to get up and walk towards the hologram. "The question you need to ask."
The tall, dark-skinned Jedi right beside him rose as well.
"You came before us with the plea for help. Don't you, too, consider it rather rude to make us search for the question to which you seek an answer?"
It wasn't so much what Mace Windu said, but much more the way he pronounced the words that made Obi-Wan nearly flinch. His shields had become weak and the members of the council seemed to have free access to his thoughts.
With great effort he erected a new mental shield before he answered. What he had to say was not easy at all.
"I didn't tell you everything, masters."
Kenobi told them about the suspicion he had. While he was talking Yoda didn't let the hologram out of his eyes, he inspected it in every possible way and made Obi-Wan's confession even harder because of it.
"Right I was", he said long after Kenobi had ended and silence had fallen over the hall once again.
"Right about what, master?"
The strained atmosphere had caused Obi-Wan to stand completely tense in front of the holographic projector. He wished nothing more but for this talk to finally come to an end.
"Your feeling of guilt, Obi-Wan Kenobi", Mace Windu answered. "Even though you haven't talked about it - the force is troubled around you. You should have known better than to try to hide that from us.
More disapproval of his conduct. From the moment he had started talking about what had happened he had received nothing but disapproving looks. What was there left to lose? The council already considered him incapable of controlling his emotion.
'They are right!'
The realisation was like a slap in the face. He couldn't do it anymore. The control had slipped through his hands during the last days and he was standing divested in front of the council.
Obi-Wan closed his eyes and tried to regain some of the inner calm he had lost.
"What can I do master?"
Mace Windu and Yoda shared a knowing glance and Yoda hobbled back to his chair. Obviously this conversation was over for him.
"You will return to the healer's temple, Obi-Wan Kenobi."
The tall, authoritative man looked sternly at the bluish flickering hologram.
"The preparations will be made when you return."
'That was all?' Obi-Wan bit his tongue in the very last second to suppress the frustrated cry.
Mace Windu had to have felt the movement this incredulous thought had created in the force.
"Find your way back, young knight." Had his voice only been stern before - now it was definitely ordering. A shadow flew over his face as he paused.
"It is vital."
He, too, returned to his seat. "May the force be with you."
He slowly opened his eyes and found himself in the temple's herb garden. The priestesses had send him here to prepare himself. But for what? How in the will of the force could he help the queen?
Her lifesigns were weak when he tenderly searched for her through the force.
So weak. So young.
Too young.
With the help of the force their broken bond flickered to life for a few moments and he saw the queen walking towards an abyss. Then the flame that offered light died away and left him in the darkness of his own thoughts.
'Figures.'
Obi-Wan hung his head and sighed softly. He couldn't even hold the connection between them.
How could he be the only one who could help her? It was impossible. The priestesses had to be wrong. But was the council wrong as well?
He remembered having heard about the ritual that was being prepared. An ancient ritual, nearly as old as the whole Naboo-culture, maybe even older. No one could really say. There was grave danger in undertaking it, but also hope. Hope Obi-Wan hardly shared.
He put his head in the neck and stared into the night sky from where billions of stars were shining their cold light upon him.
'What am I supposed to do, master?'
He did not get an answer. Not that he had expected anything different.
The certainty of never ever getting an answer to a question like this stabbed his heart like a red-hot sword and once again he drowned in an ocean of paralysing agony.

***

"You need to come over here, Jedi."
Reaja's voice led him softly through the hall. She pointed towards a wide, circle-like place in the middle of the temple's heart.
The queen had been laid upon a thin cloth made of a soft blue material, matching the shade of the priestess's robes perfectly. The marble floor was surprisingly warm when he placed his naked feet on it.
His eyes fastened on the queen's still figure. She was pale and in the middle of this huge hall she looked like a child. Her features were still, but Kenobi felt the disturbance in the force that was still swirling around her menacingly.
Was he really up to this?
He didn't ask himself that question for the first time since he had been told what he was to do. His mind wasn't nearly as quiet as it would have been necessary for a task like this. Nevertheless the council had refused to send someone else.
"You're the only one who can help her, Jedi."
Was he? The only one? Was that the reason that the council had seemed so grave?
Meanwhile the priestesses had settled around him. The ritual washing was nothing particularly special, nevertheless Obi-Wan felt uneasy.
Reluctantly he looked at Reaja, the only one among the priestesses that didn't make him feel like a criminal. Of course, not a single one of the priestesses would have said a word about that to him, but he had been a Jedi long enough to not need words like that anymore.
"Are you ready, Jedi Kenobi?" A novice was standing in front of him, holding a silver font containing the consecrated water.
Again he searched for Reaja's eyes. She realised the young man's unease and instinctively she felt compassion well up inside of her. How strange this had to be for him. She left her place in the circle, stepped next to the high priestess and talked to her quietly. Reaja did not receive a friendly look, but her request was granted.
With a single, elegant step she stood next to the novice and stretched out her hands for the silver font. The novice stared at her, startled, and looked to the high priestess, pleading for help. But the high priestess only nodded and sent the young woman back into the circle with a short movement of her hands.
Reaja straightened her back against the slightly hostile atmosphere that had arisen from her stepping forward.
"Your tunic, Jedi", she said with a clear and strong voice.
Obi-Wan closed his eyes and pulled the tunic over his head, standing with a bare chest in front of the priestesses now, quietly waiting for the washing that was about to take place.
He had barely laid the tunic next to him, when a horrified murmuring went through the women standing behind him. Obi-Wan suppressed the desire to turn around and see what had happened. He needed to get rid of his inner restlessness, and this whispering behind his back wasn't really helping the matter any.
"Jedi!"
His eyes opened when he recognised the high priestess's stern voice. Her expression had changed. It was nearly mild now, more than concerned, to say the least.
"Why didn't you inform us about that?"
"About what, healer?"
The woman pushed the air out between her teeth in surprise.
"About what?" She shook her head in disbelief. "Tell me, Jedi Kenobi, do you not feel pain?"
Pain? Pain about what? He had experienced enough pain, pain he would have given himself away to be spared of, but this pain was not physical. Could those healers look inside his soul?
A cool hand was placed on his back, just below the shoulderblades.
"Do you not feel pain, Jedi Kenobi?" the question was being repeated.
Now that his attention had been pointed in the right direction, he felt something, indeed. It felt as though a blazing hot pain was emanating from the priestess's hand, which spread all over his back and caused cold sweat to appear on his forehead. It took him a long time to reach out to the force to suppress the pain to a tolerable level.
"I do feel something, healer."
His short pause was interpreted correctly by the healers. The consecrated circle was being disbanded, somebody handed him his tunic. Obi-Wan watched, confused, as the women hurried away. For some reason they suddenly seemed to be in a rush.
He saw Reaja among the last ones who were leaving the hall.
"What's going on here?" he asked, confusion written plainly on his face.
Reaja looked up at him and shook her head sympathetic. "You should have told us about your condition, young master."
"Condition? Healer, what is going on here? I don't know what you are talking about!"
Once again Reaja stated: "Follow me, Jedi."

***

She led him to a mirror, high as a man, in one of the adjacent rooms. "See for yourself, young master."
Obi-Wan had been prepared for a lot of things when he looked into the mirror. The sight it showed him did not belong to them.
His back was discoloured in black and blue from his shoulderblades downwards, here and there reddish brown encrusted abrasions were prominent. He couldn't do much more than eliminate the morbid pleasure he found in looking at the sight of his own reflection.
Where did those wounds come from? And the bruises?
Kenobi stared into the mirror and thought hard. He couldn't remember where those injuries could have been inflicted. Yet they didn't seem to be fresh. His neck already started to protest against the unusual stance when he swirled around and dashed out of the room, leaving Reaja behind.
The Sith.
Of course!
Obi-Wan wondered why he felt this pain only just now. The dark warrior had pushed him more than 50 meters into the precipice. He still was not quite clear about how he could have survived this fall, let alone be able to fight after it. For a few seconds - so Obi-Wan remembered - darkness had closed around him after the fall, and there had been no power left to transport the much needed air into his lungs.
It had been Qui-Gon who had brought him back from the yawning abyss, giving him a part of his own life-force.
Suddenly Kenobi knew with a horrible certainty that it had been this act of mercy that had caused Qui-Gon to not be able to fight the Sith. If all he got as a punishment were a few bruises, then Obi-Wan embraced them with grim happiness.
"What will happen now, healer?" he asked Reaja who stood in the doorway and watched him quietly.
She stepped out of the door's shadow. "The ritual will be postponed, young master. The queen still is in danger, but we cannot allow you to go through with the ritual until you are perfectly healthy. The code of the ritual does not allow it."
Kenobi inhaled and exhaled slowly and asked himself if he had misheard. They were not going to allow him to go through with the ritual because of a few bruises? They would put the queen's life at stake because of such a petty little matter?
"Call the priestesses back, Reaja."
The young Jedi spoke quietly, quite concerned about not venting his anger about this senseless regulation at Reaja.
"Master?"
Kenobi whirled around and looked her firmly in the eyes. "You heard me correctly, healer. I want you to call the priestesses back into the hall. I'm going to go through with this ritual."
"But, young master, you cannot . . ."
"Do not tell what I can do and what I can't." Obi-Wan knew that he was standing on the brink of cold anger. "I already lost one person close to me because I waited too long. I'm not going to lose a second one."
With those words he left Reaja standing where she was and returned to the circle, knelt next to the queen and closed his eyes. A simple meditation mantra brought silence to his troubled thoughts.
'There is no unrest, there is the force.'

***

 

click next to read the next chapter or previous to return to the "Circle" index